Open Mom Diary #2

To my Baby who does not sleep,

I am sitting on the couch contemplating yet another cup of coffee (Gods gift to mothers) to get me through another day. I have just put you back to sleep for the 3rd time for the same 40 min nap. I sang to you the first time, I patted your cute little butt to sleep the second, and I finally wrapped you snug and tight in the Moby when I couldn’t listen to your screaming any longer. I hugged you, kissed you and told you it would be alright as I laid you back down to sleep in your bed. I expect you will awaken soon.

After fighting with you to sleep for 2 hours I will get you up and we will go on with our day. I will wear you in the Moby for the rest of the day to keep your fuss at bay, all while cooking dinner, playing with, talking to and disciplining your big brother. You will finally leave the Moby for dinner and a bath.  We will get pjs on, read stories, say prayers and lay down for sleep. You will lay down in your crib and put yourself to sleep at 8pm along with your brother. And after about an hour and a half, give or take, it will begin…

It varies night  to night. You might only wake up twice for an hour and a half each time. You might wake up 6 times for 15 min each. I will have to do something different every time you wake up to put you back to sleep. I will hold you, I will rock you, I will let you fuss, I will pace the hall with you, I will let you scream until I cant stand it, I will sing to you, I will give you a pacifier and sometimes we will just stand in the living room, once again in the Moby and watch HGTV. You will finally go back to sleep at 4:30am. I will go back into my room only to look at the clock and be reminded that my day starts in 90 minutes.

I have read the blogs and skimmed the books on all that I am doing wrong. I have talked to the Dr. who says just keep trying and be consistent. Consistent with what? Letting you scream?

You have no pattern of waking for me to follow. You have no particular comfort that puts you back to sleep so there is no sleep prop to take away. Its always different and sometimes you do just fine on your own getting back to sleep. Supposedly you shouldn’t still be eating at night, but sometimes I believe you truly are hungry… I just have no way of knowing…

I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to help you sleep.

I thought I was super mom with your brother. He was sleep trained by 4 months old. He slept through the night and went right to sleep on his own every night at 7pm. I thought that this was some how because of me. I would look at other moms and judge them for struggling with getting their babies to sleep.

Then I had you.

I must confess to you my sweet baby, I struggle with being angry at you. Every time I hear you cry out in the night, everything in me just wants to yell “go back to sleep!” But I don’t. I can’t. It would be wrong because I am your mother.

Do you see the sign on your door? The one with all the pretty colors, shapes and cursive lettering? That is not there to decorate your door. It’s there for me. It’s there so when I walk into your room at 2:37 am, I pick you up gently and tell you I love you. It’s to remind me that you will not be a baby forever. You will not sleep in a crib forever. Soon you will be able to tell me whats wrong. Soon I will be able to tell you to stay in your bed and stop screaming. Soon you will not want me to snuggle you in the middle of the night. Soon you will sleep through the night on your own. Soon you will not remember all the sleepless nights I spent in the rocking chair holding you close and singing “It is well with my Soul”.

The sign on your door reminds me to love you (and your big brother) at all stages of your life no matter how hard they are for me. It is there to remind me that the next time I blink you will be gone. It is there to remind me that I want you to remember your mother as being loving and kind.

So… My dear sweet baby… I will hold you. I will hold you until you are ready to let go.

I hear you stirring and starting to fuss… I’m coming hugabug.

Love Mommy ❤

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Dear SJWs, Silence does not Equal Hate (or violence, consent or whatever the signs say)

Guys… So much has happened. Last Saturday was awful, disgusting and inexcusable. Enough people have been talking, yelling and screaming about it to the point that I feel I don’t need to just repeat what the majority of the people in the country are saying.

I want to talk about something else. I want to talk about a false equivalency. I want to talk about a virtue signaling phrase that I have seen every where that is completely false and you don’t look cool or virtuous saying it. 

Apparently white silence (about whatever atrocity was committed that day) is equal to hatred. No. Just no. Hate was running around with tiki torches yelling “Jews will not replace us.” Hate was running around bashing people in the heads with bricks in the name of fighting Fascism. Hate ran a car into people and killed one. Hate has called for the genocide of white people. Hate believes in supremacy of one race. Hate disrupts peaceful free speech events with mace, bear spray, and clubs. Hate takes its place on opposing sides and screams until we think our country is ending.

My silence on your preferred social media platform is not hate.

My silence is confusion. My silence is anger. My silence is questioning. My silence is listening. My silence is me wondering how the heck I can make a difference. My silence is me recognizing that someone will still call me a Nazi and a racist  despite my listening, questioning, searching and having conversations with rational people. My silence is knowing that whatever I  say wont be enough for you unless I too become a warrior in the name of fighting whatever injustice you think we should protest today.

That isn’t hate.

I don’t have time to stand in the street and yell. I don’t have time to virtue signal on social media. I have kids to feed, bills to pay, laundry and a job.

(At this point some one reading this is screaming “You have white privilege!” Fine. Whatever. Every single person in this country is privileged because they live here. I will just say this and leave it. Don’t get into a “who is less privileged” fight with me. Most of you will lose.)

I will tell you what I do have time to do. I will tell you how I plan to make a difference.

I’m going to listen. I’m going to be kind. I’m going to love. I’m going to speak slowly and thoughtfully. I’m going to take you out for coffee and discuss big ideas and differences. I’m going to leave my echo chamber. I’m going to agree and empathize on injustices with you. I’m going to call you out on hypocrisies. I will never stop listening and I will never stop having important conversations.

And most importantly, I will teach my boys to do the same.

All that will be ever so much louder then your signs and social media posts.

Discussing life over a beer, with some one whom I have disagreements with, will make a much greater impact then you setting a trash can on fire.

(Here are some of the verses that I have been thinking about in writing this post)

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

James 1:19-20 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Proverbs 18:13 To answer before listening– that is folly and shame.

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God bless and go love someone different then you. ❤

Dear Google, you can’t have it both ways

Guys, I love twitter. Every day after I look at cute baby pictures and status updates about how blessed someone was at a gas station, I say goodbye to facebook and go to twitter. On this social media platform I am greeted with “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM SEXISM RACISM TRANSPHOBIA AND EVERY OTHER DIVERSITY PHOBIA” and “OMG EVERYTHING IS SO STUPID.”

Love it. :p

Ok so I will just get this out of the way now. Here is the ten page google manifesto that has blown up twitter. It is a quick read. You should definitely read it so you don’t develop an opinion based off what other are telling you about it. However I will give you a brief summary.

The letter was written by an employee to express his concerns about Googles diversity policies. He expressed how he did not think it was right that people were ushered into work for google to meet their diversity requirements instead of having a fair process for hire that applied to everyone. He expressed concerns that there were special support programs for basically all employees unless said employee was a white male. He also talked about how he is in favor of a diverse work environment specifically when it comes to men and women. He addressed some basic difference between men and women (all backed up with sources and graphs and charts) and offered suggestions as to how we can use these differences to include more women in scientific fields.

I’m an aircraft mechanic. I’m about as man as it gets. I work in an almost solely man dominated field. I also am I mom of 2 little boys.

I was not offended by anything this employee at google said. In fact I agreed with basically all of it.

BUT OMG EVERY ONE LOST THEIR MINDS AND ITS HILARIOUS.

I think my favorite is the NPR tweet. Seriously ladies? The guy didn’t even address the stereo type of women being overly emotional… you did it for him…BY CONFORMING TO THE STEREO TYPE. GAAAAHHHH Everything is stupid….

He didn’t say women were biologically unfit to work tech! He said women are different then men… Oh CNN… Oh Salon…

Ok actually I could rant about this for days but I won’t. I actually only have one point and its this. Diversity means different. (Really it means any person other then a white straight man but that’s another argument.) Wanting and celebrating diversity in the work place would mean celebrating differences between men and women in this particular situation. In order to celebrate diversity and in order for women to bring something special to a work environment THEY MUST BE DIFFERENT THEN MEN. If they are the same their is no diversity! Google cant yell “WOMEN ARE THE SAME AS MEN” out of one side of their mouth and “WE NEED GENDER DIVERSITY” out of the other. If they do that then they are insinuating that the only difference between men and women is reproductive organs. A difference and an assumptions they bulk against when it comes to the debate on Transgenders.

This is a logical inconsistency that needs to be addressed. Get it together Google. You can’t change arguments and “science” to fit your narrative. That’s called being a 2 year old. I know. I have one.

I heard the employee is suing you. As he should. I support him 100%. #expressyourunpopularopinion

 

 

I am not the Compassion Police

Ok Ladies and Gentlemen. I have done the work for you. We will refute the top health care myths (along with a stupid meme) that are circulating the facebook, twitter and news networks. We will do this using… (Get ready for it…) !!! H.R.1628!!! Don’t know what that is? Its the healthcare bill.

First of all I would just like to say that these people up there on the hill wearing their expensive suits, driving expensive cars and drinking expensive coffee were elected for us and buy us. I should not have to wade through lawyer jargon to figure out what you are doing with my money and my freedom. I’m a relatively intelligent person. I troubleshoot aircraft electrical systems people. But for the love of God release these bills that affect me in normal person speak. please. If you did that there probably would not be a need for this ranting post.

Here is the meme that has sparked my rant. I like to follow and listen to all kinds of people with whom I disagree (#Idontneedasafespace). It makes life more interesting and its way easier to have a civil discussion when you actually know the other persons argument. I don’t usually argue or engage much on social media posts. I just take in the information. But every once in a while an argument is so stupid that my brain cant take it and I have to call it out for what it is. BullSh*t.

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I picked this meme apart in a comment on FaceBook but I think this meme encompasses the top myths being pushed to combat the new healthcare bill. I will address the whole stupid gospel and christian comparison later but for now we will focus on the whole poor and sick thing.

 

Myth #1 Preexisting conditions won’t be covered.

This is just a flat out lie and flies directly in the face of what Amendment #33 says. Allow me to quote the summary for you. “Health insurers would not be allowed to [deny coverage,] discriminate based on gender or [limit access based on] preexisting conditions.” There. Any questions? If you would still like to argue that point you may click on my link for Amendment#33 and then click the pdf of the 8 pages it took to say exactly what I quoted from the summary. Good luck.

Myth #2 Medicaid is getting cut.

Not exactly. Medicaid EXPANSIONS are getting cut. This is kinda hard to break down but Im going to do my best so hang with me. As it is right now able bodied working adults under the age of 65 can get medicaid if they make between 133% -400% of the poverty line. That means you could have a fully functioning, single 25 year old man making 40k a year on medicaid. That’s going away now.

As it is right now, medicaid has to provide coverage for children at 133% of the poverty line or below. Most states provide medicaid for children up to 400% of the poverty line but the requirement was 133%. That is changing to 100%. Medicaid must cover anyone under this threshold. States can still choose to cover higher.

“Essential benefits”(include ambulatory patient services, emergency services, hospitalization, maternity and newborn care, mental health and substance use disorder services, prescription drugs, rehabilitative services, laboratory services, preventative and wellness services, and pediatric services) are being eliminated as a requirement for all medicaid and private insurance. This is happening in a form of a waiver system which they will only be granted if they can prove the “waiver will reduce average premiums for patients, increase enrollment for residents, stabilize the state’s health insurance market, stabilize premiums for individuals living with preexisting conditions, or increase patients’ health care plan options.”  What this means is that if your state goes through with this waiver you don’t have to be covered for things you don’t need. Like I don’t need coverage for substance use disorder and my husband doesn’t need maternity coverage. Neither private insurance or medicaid has to cover that if they can prove that by not covering it they have made the market better as a whole.

Medicaid will also have spending caps. That means instead of having constant cash flow the program will be given its lump sum for the year and be told to chose wisely.

You can click here and here to read the actual bill amendments and summary where I am getting all this info from. Please don’t just take my word for it. We NEED an educated populace.

Myth #3 People will die!

This is just ridiculous. Sanders says “When you throw 23 million off of health insurance, people with cancer, people with health care, people with diabetes, thousands of people will die..” These numbers are from the Congressional Budget Offices analysis of the bill. They are wrong. They are off by about 13 million. About 10 million is the actual number 7 million of which would not lose coverage. They would drop their expensive plans because of the mandate being gone. That leaves 3 million losing coverage through medicaid. Not poor sick woman and children. People who don’t need it. Like the family of 4 making 100k a year. Its asinine to make the jump from “people above the poverty line won’t have medicaid” to “people will die”.

I want to spend just a little more time here. Lets say your a diabetic that is at 200% of the poverty level (for a family of 4 that’s about 40k a year.) You lose coverage through medicaid. Because preexisting conditions must be covered you will be able to find coverage through the market place if you can not get it through work. The bill has allocated about 15 billion dollars  for you to be able to have an affordable premiums and coverage. And there are still subsidies in place for sick, poor and old people. What does this mean? You probably are not going to die. Even if nothing works for you and your not insured from that 15 billion dollars being injected into the market place you have a safety net. Emergency rooms cant deny treatment. So if you are in a life or death situation with your diabetes you can go to the emergency room. Yes that will be a big bill but hospitals have financial assistance!!! In the state of Iowa, if you are below 400% of the poverty line you qualify for financial assistance and significantly reduced costs. And if your below 200% you can get out your bill completely. No citation here because this is personal experience and a conversation and the financial aid coordinator at the hospital where I delivered my son.

So your not going to die. These are scare tactics.

Myth #4 Planned Parenthood will be defunded!

Yea… for a year. That’s it.

Myth #5 Anyone who doesn’t like obamacare hates poor and sick people.

I want to spend sometime here as well. We will bring the meme back in from earlier. This whole idea is generally aimed at republicans for making the changes to the health care bill. The purpose of these changes are to cut spending and some of the regulations. The whole point is to try to make things more affordable. Republicans (in general) believe they can make things more affordable for everyone by cutting regulations and taxes. Democrats (in general) believe they can make things more affordable for the marginalized by taxing people with more money. Their favorite phrase is the top 1% (that is anyone who makes about 200k a year or more.) Democrats like to say that we must care about our fellow humans and a way to do that is redistributing wealth to those less fortunate. If anyone opposes this they hate poor and sick people. Just because someone opposes government mandated theft (which is what wealth redistribution is) does not mean they hate sick and poor people. This is just asinine. Both parties want people to have affordable health care. That’s why they stuck their hands into the bowl to begin with.  They have 2 different ideologies to achieve that goal. Both could work. Demonizing the other party that you don’t agree with accomplishes nothing.

Now the whole gospel and claiming Christianity thing… *sigh* I love the fact that the bible is used to virtue signal constantly and chances are people sharing their bible meme for political reasons have not opened their dusty NKJV bible in decades.

Yes! Christians are supposed to love the poor, sick and marginalized. Yes Christians are supposed to be kind, compassionate and generous with our money! Yes Christians are supposed to show Christs love to all! This is all over the New Testament and Old. NOWHERE does it say that Christians are supposed to force others to behave in a kind compassionate and loving way! NOWHERE does it say that we are supposed to purposely take money from others and give it away in the name of compassion! I am a Christian. I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I am in charge of my compassion, kindness and love. I am not in charge of forcing the guy down the street with the 2017 Audi to give more to charity or buy groceries for a single mom with 2 kids. I SHOULD DO THOSE THING IF I AM ABLE! Christians are not the compassion and kindness police. Therefore, to use this argument of kindness, gospel and Jesus to support theft (which is preached against in both testaments of scripture) is a complete misuse of Gods word. So just stop it.

My personal opinion is this health care bill is crap. I want government out of my health care completely. That’s not their job. But apparently alot of people want their congress person to dictate their health care so I guess that’s here to stay unfortunately.

Ok I’m done. Sorry for possibly destroying a narrative… Sorry for not agreeing with your Jesus argument… Please just please… think for your self. Read the information for your self before you jump on the meme bandwagon. Work together with people of different opinions. Question everything.

 

Starter Homes with No Stairs.

My parents bought a house in 1989 in the state of Maryland for 130k. This house was 2 years old at the time, had 1900 sqft, 3 good sized bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, formal dining room, eat in kitchen and a spacious living room. There was also a nice sized backyard and a garage. This was sold to them as a starter home. It became so much more. It was the house I came home to from the hospital and was the same house I left at the age of 19 when I moved cross country. My parents took our cookie cutter starter home and transformed it through out a 20 year period into a one of a kind house that ultimately sold for twice what they paid for it. Fast forward to this past weekend in the year 2017.

We are trying to get our feet wet in the housing market because like most families (I think) we would like to buy a house. Its a little slice of the American dream. I want to be able to tell my boys to go outside when they are driving me nuts and have that outside be a yard. Not an apartment parking lot. I want to paint my walls yellow and hang up a towel rack or knock out a wall if I feel like it. And yes. I want to cut the grass and rake leaves. However what my parents got and what I can get are not even in the same universe. At least not in this town.

We saw 3 houses over this past weekend. It was depressing. Our budget is 125,000. (slightly less then my parents. So ok just 1 bathroom would be fine… Please?) In this 40,000 people midwest town, 125k gets you a 200 year old house with little to know updates, bedrooms with no closets, lead paint, dysfunctional kitchens, the original 1850s windows, second floors that don’t have electricity, stairs that are nonfunctional and wiring so outdated that random ground wires are running from big appliances like your washing machine to small screws in the out dated wall sockets. (yes that was the greatest run on sentence ever) Oh and there is charm and the original beautiful hardwood floors. I guess that supposed to sell me.

I am not exaggerating… The 3 houses I saw had all or most of these problems (along with the charm).

Now before anyone reads this and thinks I’m a spoiled millennial that wants an hgtv home for 5 dollars just because my parents worked hard and had a nice house… No. Don’t even. That’s not a thing. (but for real?! Have you seen these young families on HGTV where their budget for a house is 750,000 ?!?! What the heck?! I obviously went into the wrong profession). Here is what I want.

I want to have the opportunity to be a home owner. I want to be able to move in and live life. I don’t care if its dated, the appliance aren’t new, the paint is ugly, its small and there is only one bathroom. I’m happy to spend 125,000 dollars on a decent structure that I could live in and slowly update it and turn it into my home as extra money arrives. I am not happy to spend that much on a house and then have to throw 100k more at it just to be comfortable. And by comfortable I mean having a counter top in the kitchen. Not a granite counter top. Just a counter top. More then a small shelf that comes out from the sink.  I would even happily pay 40k for a house that I had to gut and fix up. But I refuse to live in this weird in between of a fixerupper/gut the house being sold at functional house price. Just no. So to answer the questions of why this millennial rents? There you go.

I don’t know why the housing market is like this in my town. I don’t know if its different in other towns or cities across America. But I wish it wasn’t. I don’t want a free hgtv home hand out. I just want a mortgage… and food. I guess I have a couple more years of savings to go….

Free Tampons but no Depends

I spent my early 20s on the west coast in Washington state. I made frequent trips to Seattle because one, pikes place and two, my sister moved out there to attend the University of Washington. Let me tell you. That city is FILLED with homeless people.

I am no longer on the west coast but my sister still is and today she called my mom to tell her a most disturbing and blood boiling story (ok at least it made my blood boil).

My sister was on her way to the symphony (she is a music major) in down town Seattle when she heard some one calling out trying to get her attention.  She turned around to see an elderly homeless women and so my sister stopped and asked her what was wrong and if she could help her. This poor women asked my sister if she would help her buy Depends. DEPENDS! ADULT DIAPERS! Why!? Because! In hipster central its against the law for a homeless individual to use a public bathroom. Thats right! These poor people are not permitted to pee in a toilet.

My sister told me that this woman had been walking in her own urine and feces for 60 blocks asking some one to help her by some depends. My sister was the first person to acknowledge that she even existed. Needless to say. My sister handed over everything in her wallet and bought the lady some diapers, clean clothes, food and coffee (cause everyone needs coffee).

Here is what really baffled me and launched this post. The woman told my sister that she had a space in the homeless shelter for the night. My sister asked if they could provide her with some depends at the shelter. She said they don’t provide you with any thing like that. Its just a roof over your head for the night.So this woman would have had a roof but still sleeping in her stained dirty clothes.

And yet we have states and cities all over the country that have made it mandatory to provide free tampons ? Because periods? Because free tampons are a womens rights issue? This woman wasn’t permitted to go to the bathroom! And no one was giving her free diapers! Guys! There is a problem here!

I did a quick google search on what the welfare programs are like in Seattle. It wasn’t hard to find that they have multiple programs for many different areas where people are struggling (or in my opinion people perceive that its a struggle). Oh except homelessness. On that topic I found this. (<- Yea. click it.)

Pretty eye opening if you ask me. Here is my point at the end of this rant (thanks for hanging with me)

Seattle was one of the first cities to raise minimum wage to 15 an hour  (just one example of how human rights focused they claim to be) yet homeless people are breaking the law if they relieve themselves in a restroom or outside in the open.

Someone missed something. Someone missed a basic human right. To me that isn’t just a mistake. Its hypocrisy.

One More Voice

This is my 3rd blog attempt. Yup. That sounds pathetic but true. There are literally millions of voices screaming to be heard on social media. Some educated, some not so much. I didn’t think my opinion needed to be added to the sea of voices. But the more I have listened to all the voices, the more I have realized something. None of these voices represent me. None of them represent what I think about issues of mom life, marriage, jobs, politics, social issues and religion.

If none of the voices represent what I think, what are the chances that there are others like me. What are the chances there are others like me that just read the comments on Facebook looking for someone that shares their view. What if when I throw my voice into the void of the internet it actually represents someone else that has gone unnoticed and voiceless? What if it represents 1000’s ? What if it represents no one but me? What if it represents just 10 people?

Whatever. I don’t think I have anything to lose… except possibly my record of not getting a nasty comment on a social media page.

So here I am. One more voice. One more opinion (hopefully an educated one). One more mom. One more wife. One more millennial wondering why the heck we work so hard and still can’t afford date night.  One more constitutionalist (yes that is a political party). One more believer in Jesus Christ. One more woman trying to figure out life with a very large cup of coffee.