To my Baby who does not sleep,
I am sitting on the couch contemplating yet another cup of coffee (Gods gift to mothers) to get me through another day. I have just put you back to sleep for the 3rd time for the same 40 min nap. I sang to you the first time, I patted your cute little butt to sleep the second, and I finally wrapped you snug and tight in the Moby when I couldn’t listen to your screaming any longer. I hugged you, kissed you and told you it would be alright as I laid you back down to sleep in your bed. I expect you will awaken soon.
After fighting with you to sleep for 2 hours I will get you up and we will go on with our day. I will wear you in the Moby for the rest of the day to keep your fuss at bay, all while cooking dinner, playing with, talking to and disciplining your big brother. You will finally leave the Moby for dinner and a bath. We will get pjs on, read stories, say prayers and lay down for sleep. You will lay down in your crib and put yourself to sleep at 8pm along with your brother. And after about an hour and a half, give or take, it will begin…
It varies night to night. You might only wake up twice for an hour and a half each time. You might wake up 6 times for 15 min each. I will have to do something different every time you wake up to put you back to sleep. I will hold you, I will rock you, I will let you fuss, I will pace the hall with you, I will let you scream until I cant stand it, I will sing to you, I will give you a pacifier and sometimes we will just stand in the living room, once again in the Moby and watch HGTV. You will finally go back to sleep at 4:30am. I will go back into my room only to look at the clock and be reminded that my day starts in 90 minutes.
I have read the blogs and skimmed the books on all that I am doing wrong. I have talked to the Dr. who says just keep trying and be consistent. Consistent with what? Letting you scream?
You have no pattern of waking for me to follow. You have no particular comfort that puts you back to sleep so there is no sleep prop to take away. Its always different and sometimes you do just fine on your own getting back to sleep. Supposedly you shouldn’t still be eating at night, but sometimes I believe you truly are hungry… I just have no way of knowing…
I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to help you sleep.
I thought I was super mom with your brother. He was sleep trained by 4 months old. He slept through the night and went right to sleep on his own every night at 7pm. I thought that this was some how because of me. I would look at other moms and judge them for struggling with getting their babies to sleep.
Then I had you.
I must confess to you my sweet baby, I struggle with being angry at you. Every time I hear you cry out in the night, everything in me just wants to yell “go back to sleep!” But I don’t. I can’t. It would be wrong because I am your mother.
Do you see the sign on your door? The one with all the pretty colors, shapes and cursive lettering? That is not there to decorate your door. It’s there for me. It’s there so when I walk into your room at 2:37 am, I pick you up gently and tell you I love you. It’s to remind me that you will not be a baby forever. You will not sleep in a crib forever. Soon you will be able to tell me whats wrong. Soon I will be able to tell you to stay in your bed and stop screaming. Soon you will not want me to snuggle you in the middle of the night. Soon you will sleep through the night on your own. Soon you will not remember all the sleepless nights I spent in the rocking chair holding you close and singing “It is well with my Soul”.
The sign on your door reminds me to love you (and your big brother) at all stages of your life no matter how hard they are for me. It is there to remind me that the next time I blink you will be gone. It is there to remind me that I want you to remember your mother as being loving and kind.
So… My dear sweet baby… I will hold you. I will hold you until you are ready to let go.
I hear you stirring and starting to fuss… I’m coming hugabug.
Love Mommy ❤