My sweet sweet baby,
You have a name. I knew from their conception that your 2 older siblings were boys. I can’t explain how I knew I just did. I know that you are a little girl even though I never got the chance to see you or hold you. I named you. I named you Daisy. You are my Daisy May. You are my Daisy May because a daisy is my favorite flower. You are my flower that never saw spring. You are my flower that didn’t get to blossom. But I knew you were there. And Daisy my daughter I wanted you.
Your brothers were not planned. But you were. Your Daddy and I tried for 3 months. Every time the test was negative I was sad and disappointed. When I finally got a faint positive I was overjoyed and I felt accomplished. I had planned you. You were conceived. You were coming. Your due date would have been Nov 2. I wanted you.
Your oldest brother wanted you. He asked for a sister. He asked for you. He asked when you would arrive everyday for 11 weeks. He is only 3. But he wanted you.
Your Daddy wanted you. He helped me plan you. He wanted a daughter. He held out hope the longest that everything would be ok and we would still see your beautiful face in November. He wanted you.
Your Grandparents wanted you. Your Aunts and Uncles wanted you. Your brothers wanted you. Your Daddy wanted you. I wanted you.
The night I noticed the first signs of your departure I was alone. Your daddy was at work. Your brothers were in bed asleep. I screamed Daisy. I screamed for you. I laid on the floor in the bathroom and cried for you. Your soul had left your body and I didn’t even know when this had happened. I wanted you but you were gone with out a warning or a word. You had gone back to heaven and I did not get to say goodbye.
4 days later I started cramping and knew what was coming next. I had been there before. I knew what contractions felt like. You have 2 older brothers. But there would be no joy at the end of those labor pains. No baby waiting at the end. I was in labor for 45 min. And then I was empty. My womb was empty and so were my arms. I screamed for you. I cried for you. I wanted you.
There was no little body for me to find. No body for me to bury. You were just gone. And I had nothing. No picture of you, no blanket, no teddy, no little dress, no memory of hearing your heart beat… nothing. I have nothing to hold while I cry for you. You are a memory of a hope of a child. But I cry for you as though I had held you in my arms for years. There is no difference to me.
I don’t know why God took you back. I don’t know why he gave me the hope of having you in my life only to return you to himself. I probably will never know.
But here are some things I want you to know.
Its been a week since your departure from this world and your oldest brother still asks where you went. He doesn’t fully understand where you went when I explain but he is sad that he will not get to love you, protect you and play with you.
Your Daddy cried when he saw me in labor and he realized hope was gone and that you would not be in my arms at the end of the pain. He wanted his daughter but you would not come.
I have cried for you every night and randomly through out the day. I saw little girl dresses in a department store today and had an emotional break down right there and didn’t care who saw me. Both your brothers were very confused as to why I was crying.
When I think about needing to take family pictures again I cry because you will not be in them.
When I think about future family vacations I cry cause you won’t be there.
When I get your brothers together to go anywhere I cry because you will always be missing.
I will never feed you in the middle of the night, rock you to sleep, sing or read to you, watch you take your first steps, shop with you, have a conversation with you or go to your wedding. I just have wishes and dreams of you that will never come true.
I know that I will see you again. I will see you again in Heaven one day. And there you will be perfect. You will be beautiful. And whatever physical thing on this earth that cause your little life to end will not plague you with Jesus. I know you are alive there. I know you are happy. I just wanted you here. I wanted you here with me.
I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved no less then your brothers now and however many children come after you. I love you the same. To many you were just an idea of a baby or a hope of a child at your young age. But I am your mother and you are my child regardless of how long you had a heart beat. And I am grieving for you. I am mourning for you. I wanted you.
I leave you with this my sweet Daisy. Your Daddy said “she will always be number 3”. It doesn’t matter how many children come after you. You have a place in this family and in my heart and that place is #3. From now on I have 3 children. And when another baby comes I will have 4 and then 5. Cause you are #3.
You have a place. You have a name. You have a family. You are loved. You are not forgotten. And I hope somehow you know these written words on this wordpress blog are for you.
I wanted you.