An Open Letter to #3

My sweet sweet baby,

You have a name. I knew from their conception that your 2 older siblings were boys. I can’t explain how I knew I just did. I know that you are a little girl even though I never got the chance to see you or hold you. I named you. I named you Daisy. You are my Daisy May. You are my Daisy May because a daisy is my favorite flower. You are my flower that never saw spring. You are my  flower that didn’t get to blossom. But I knew you were there. And Daisy my daughter I wanted you.

Your brothers were not planned. But you were. Your Daddy and I tried for 3 months. Every time the test was negative I was sad and disappointed. When I finally got a faint positive I was overjoyed and I felt accomplished. I had planned you. You were conceived. You were coming. Your due date would have been Nov 2. I wanted you.

Your oldest brother wanted you. He asked for a sister. He asked for you. He asked when you would arrive everyday for 11 weeks. He is only 3. But he wanted you.

Your Daddy wanted you. He helped me plan you. He wanted a daughter. He held out hope the longest that everything would be ok and we would still see your beautiful face in November. He wanted you.

Your Grandparents wanted you. Your Aunts and Uncles wanted you. Your brothers wanted you. Your Daddy wanted you. I wanted you.

The night I noticed the first signs of your departure I was alone. Your daddy was at work. Your brothers were in bed asleep. I screamed Daisy. I screamed for you. I laid on the floor in the bathroom and cried for you. Your soul had left your body and I didn’t even know when this had happened. I wanted you but you were gone with out a warning or a word. You had gone back to heaven and I did not get to say goodbye.

4 days later I started cramping and knew what was coming next. I had been there before. I knew what contractions felt like. You have 2 older brothers. But there would be no joy at the end of those labor pains. No baby waiting at the end. I was in labor for 45 min. And then I was empty. My womb was empty and so were my arms. I screamed for you. I cried for you. I wanted you.

There was no little body for me to find. No body for me to bury. You were just gone. And I had nothing. No picture of you, no blanket, no teddy, no little dress, no memory of hearing your heart beat… nothing. I have nothing to hold while I cry for you. You are a memory of a hope of a child. But I cry for you as though I had held you in my arms for years. There is no difference to me.

I don’t know why God took you back. I don’t know why he gave me the hope of having you in my life only to return you to himself. I probably will never know.

But here are some things I want you to know.

Its been a week since your departure from this world and your oldest brother still asks where you went. He doesn’t fully understand where you went when I explain but he is sad that he will not get to love you, protect you and play with you.

Your Daddy cried when he saw me in labor and he realized hope was gone and that you would not be in my arms at the end of the pain. He wanted his daughter but you would not come.

I have cried for you every night and randomly through out the day. I saw little girl dresses in a department store today and had an emotional break down right there and didn’t care who saw me. Both your brothers were very confused as to why I was crying.

When I think about needing to take family pictures again I cry because you will not be in them.

When I think about future family vacations I cry cause you won’t be there.

When I get your brothers together to go anywhere I cry because you will always be missing.

I will never feed you in the middle of the night, rock you to sleep, sing or read to you, watch you take your first steps, shop with you, have a conversation with you or go to your wedding. I just have wishes and dreams of you that will never come true.

I know that I will see you again. I will see you again in Heaven one day. And there you will be perfect. You will be beautiful. And whatever physical thing on this earth that cause your little life to end will not plague you with Jesus. I know you are alive there. I know you are happy. I just wanted you here. I wanted you here with me.

I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved no less then your brothers now and however many children come after you. I love you the same. To many you were just an idea of a baby or a hope of a child at your young age. But I am your mother and you are my child regardless of how long you had a heart beat. And I am grieving for you. I am mourning for you. I wanted you.

I leave you with this my sweet Daisy. Your Daddy said “she will always be number 3”. It doesn’t matter how many children come after you. You have a place in this family and in my heart and that place is #3. From now on I have 3 children. And when another baby comes I will have 4 and then 5. Cause you are #3.

You have a place. You have a name. You have a family. You are loved. You are not forgotten. And I hope somehow you know these written words on this wordpress blog are for you.

I wanted you.

Love Mommy

</3 ❤


Just Another Mom Rant

Guys I was the most perfect parent until I had kids. Now I am constantly second guessing everything that I do.

At times I envy the ignorant bliss in which my mom raised my siblings and I. She was not bombarded with parenting advice, critiques and quite frankly fear mongering at every turn. She just parented. She met our needs, loved us, played with us and periodically swatted us or made us bite soap. I am a pretty well adjusted human. I think my mom did great. I want to be like her. So why cant I get it right?

Cause I don’t freaking stay off the interwebs.

I hate the internet. Particularly Facebook. (Yes I have one and I am on it constantly. I still would not be devastated if it just stopped working all together) It seems as though because I clicked on one parenting ad once that is all that comes up on my feed. So I keep clicking… and they keep coming… Its a vicious cycle. The most recent one I read was new to me but it had the same kind of information I heard before. We have to respect our children. We shouldn’t shame them or embarrass them. We need to get down to their level and explain things and truly try to understand how they are feeling. We need to let them express their independence and personality. We should give them choices in what happens as often as possible and listen to their complaints.

I’m Sorry. I have tried all of this. Its utter nonsense. I’m done.

I will tell you exactly what happens when I follow this advice in my everyday interaction with my son. My child argues, screams louder, hits harder, is deceitful and manipulative, doesn’t respect me and controls the house.

Maybe this kind of parenting works for some kids. Not mine.

I was sharing this with my mom and she looked at me and said 3 very profound words: “Your in charge.”

Oh. Oh yea… Duh…

She gave me 3 pieces of advice.

  1. Give direct commands
  2. Make statements which make argument difficult
  3. Decide on the worst behavior that deserves a punishment and ignore the rest (He is just 2.)

I started doing this at home and it seemed to be working pretty well so I tested it at the grocery store. What happened next took me very much by surprise.

We got to the grocery store and my son asked to walk by the cart. I said yes but he had to hold onto the cart. He agreed… until we got in the store where he immediately dashed towards the produce. I said calmly but firmly “I told you to hold onto the cart.” His response was of course “I don’t want to.”

My response truly shocked me but it was amazingly effective. I said to my 2 year old “I don’t care what you want. Your disobeying. Put your hand on the cart right now.”

He complied immediately.

I did not get down on his level and reason with him about why he needed to hold onto the cart. I did not care if someone heard me tell him that he was disobeying. I just told him to obey. And it worked… I couldn’t believe it.

Then we got to the check out line (Every moms worst nightmare). He asked for a cookie. I informed him he already had a donut and so we would not be having more sugar. Right on cue he lost his mind and threw himself onto the floor in front of the cart so I was unable to move through the line. I did not plead with him. I did not tell him I’m sorry you are sad. I did not try to explain to him why we can not eat 3,000 lbs of sugar. I said “Your in the way. Move.” He looked at me, stopped yelling, got up and out of the way and put his hand back on the cart.

5 min later we were laughing and talking about bed bug monsters.

He was not scared for life, shamed or emotionally unstable because I did not cater to his 2 year old tantrums. He obeyed.

I do not need to kneel down to my child to understand his feelings when he is yelling because I said no you can’t watch tv. I know exactly why he is yelling. He is yelling cause he is 2 and is learning to be a person. If I yelled and screamed because I was trying to watch you tube and the internet didn’t work NO ONE would come up to me and ask if I wanted to talk about my feelings. They would all just think I was an immature lunatic. So why would I walk up to my child and ask him to express his feelings in the same situation. All he knows is that he is mad. And there are some things that we don’t need to be mad about. Which is why I have chosen to ignore those tantrums.

Obviously if another child is unkind to my son we talk about it. Heck if I am a jerk I always apologize and tell him I am wrong. I have even told him a couple of times that mommy was having a grown up tantrum and that it was very wrong and I would like him to forgive me. We address valid emotions. But not all emotions are valid.

All that to say, this works for my kid. And that is what matters. Not what anyone reading this thinks or what all the parenting blogs and articles say.  I have always been a person that cares alot about what other people think about me. So caring what people think about my parenting is no different. But I can’t care. I can’t possibly follow all the parenting advice.

And in the end its always my moms practical advice that I return to. And its always her advice that makes my life easier. I don’t know if that means she just really knows me or is just plain super mom but I sure am glad I grew up in her house.

My mom used to say to me on a regular basis “Kathryn don’t bring your feelings out to play” , “That does not need to hurt your feelings” and my favorite “Man up Katie.” All of those things would bring heaping, burning piles of criticism on my mom today. But those 3 phrases shaped the person I am in a good way. Because I listened and took that advice. Those 3 phrases were the best thing my mom could have possibly said to me in the multiple situations I was in where she said them. I was not emotionally traumatized because of them. Those phrases prevented emotional trauma. I did what she said. I grew a pair and got tough. I needed to be tough and my mom knew it.

Those phrases never once came out of my moms mouth to any of my other siblings. Because that’s not what they needed.

This side note is just about how every kid is different I guess. Even though I can rant here about what I know is best for my kid I can’t put it on someone elses child.

As the title stated, this is literally just a rant/rambling thoughts about what has been going inside my head this past few weeks of silence… End rant now…



Why are We Talking about Free Birth Control?

Catchy title huh? yup. That was the point.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to rant about women having access to “free” birth control (well I might. but just briefly 😉 ). I want to address something that if implemented would make this whole discussion on “free” birth control void.

As a home schooled student, I did not have public school sex ed so I can not speak from first hand experience. However almost everyone I know went to public school and they had a variety of experiences. Everything from the teacher just pulling up google images of human genitals, while handing out condoms to actually explaining the biological act of sex and the names of the body parts  like a normal mature human being. Then the girls got the extra “time of the month” talk.

I was fortunate because in having my talk with my mom she actually explained what a period was and why I have one. I think my mom genuinely gave me all the information she had to give and thought I would need. However out of my normally 38 day cycle (yes 38 not 28) There were 33 days where I had no idea what was going on inside my body. Therefore I believed the lie that traditional birth control was my only option and that basically I could get pregnant at any time during my cycle.

I used birth control for about a year and it seriously was the worst thing ever. I’m not going to lecture about the pros and cons of hormonal birth control. I’m just mentioning that I was on it to establish that I have had to pay for my own birth control. It was 40 dollars a month and it sucked. Instead of being able to go out on a date regularly with my new husband, I was taking a pill that made me miserable, killed our sex life and ate up money.

Then I found it. I found a book that taught me about my body as a woman.

Ok in fairness I didn’t find it. One of my best friends was like “here this will solve your problems” as I was complaining to her about how terrible sex was and how depression was eating me. She saved me. ❤

I learned about fertility awareness and how my body worked as a woman. I learned for the first time that all of my female parts have names! I learned that my body has specific signs for when I am most likely to get pregnant. I learned how to pin point those specific days. What was really cool was that my husband noticed a difference in my willingness to be with him and it made our relationship better.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail explaining the book I read. You can buy it here. I brought all that up to preface this statement.

If 12 year old girls were being taught how to be in charge of their fertility we would not be having a national argument about “free” birth control.

If mothers teach their daughters how their bodies work, we won’t need “free” birth control. If sex ed classes teach girls how their bodies work, we won’t need “free” birth control. Good Grief if our husbands/partners know how our bodies work we won’t need “free” birth control! If a 24 year old woman is out getting it on with a guy she met at the bar(or your married life is interrupted with some excitement), she can stop and think to herself: “Hmmm… Its day 22 of my cycle, my cervix is high, I haven’t had a temp shift and I have wet fluid. Better use a condom or maybe I will just pass tonight.” No hormonal pill needed, no implant in the uterus, no implant in the arm, no shot, no plan B pill and no murder (yes murder i.e. abortion). Just a womans own knowledge of her body and possibly a 50 cent condom.

That is true education. That is true empowerment. That is true FREE birth control.

(I know that BC is used to treat some medical conditions. That’s not what I am addressing here. I’m talking about BC only used for prevented pregnancy)

Ok here is my rant.

I’m not really into the whole “I’m a woman and I’m persecuted” thing. I work a mans job, I’m educated with a 4 year degree, I have 2 babies, I vote, I make more money then my husband and apparently now I can even join the boys scouts. (eyes roll). I don’t care if there isn’t a special breast feeding room for me to pump milk (yes I have pumped milk in a bathroom. For MONTHS) or an employer doesn’t want to subsidize my birth control. That’s fine with me. I will do it myself.

Let me tell you, women have lost their minds about the roll back of birth control coverage from health insurance.(That’s not even entirely accurate. Employers don’t have to pay extra for you to have coverage for free birth control when they are paying for your health insurance…)  I think my favorite headline I saw was something like “it just got more expensive to be a woman”… No. Just no. lol

It did not get more expensive for me to be a women. Any woman not on birth control is just fine. Therefore it got more expensive to be on birth control. (And it only got more expensive for some women to be on birth control!) It did not get more expensive to be a woman. A little logic lesson there. All the more reason to know your body and use that to gauge your sex life. That way truly no one else is intervening with your reproductive choices. If you know your body, no one is capable of controlling what you do with it.

It is not empowering to ask for special treatment because of being a woman. It is empowering to have a “disadvantage” and rise above it on your own. Especially in a way that doesn’t cost you in the long run and betters your understanding of your body. You want “free” BC? Take control of your body and learn how it functions.

Obviously I don’t have all the answers and anyone can say “what about this… or that…”And some of those this and that’s might be valid. I just think we as women could save or selves a lot of money and headache if we take control and teach our selves.








Open Mom Diary #2

To my Baby who does not sleep,

I am sitting on the couch contemplating yet another cup of coffee (Gods gift to mothers) to get me through another day. I have just put you back to sleep for the 3rd time for the same 40 min nap. I sang to you the first time, I patted your cute little butt to sleep the second, and I finally wrapped you snug and tight in the Moby when I couldn’t listen to your screaming any longer. I hugged you, kissed you and told you it would be alright as I laid you back down to sleep in your bed. I expect you will awaken soon.

After fighting with you to sleep for 2 hours I will get you up and we will go on with our day. I will wear you in the Moby for the rest of the day to keep your fuss at bay, all while cooking dinner, playing with, talking to and disciplining your big brother. You will finally leave the Moby for dinner and a bath.  We will get pjs on, read stories, say prayers and lay down for sleep. You will lay down in your crib and put yourself to sleep at 8pm along with your brother. And after about an hour and a half, give or take, it will begin…

It varies night  to night. You might only wake up twice for an hour and a half each time. You might wake up 6 times for 15 min each. I will have to do something different every time you wake up to put you back to sleep. I will hold you, I will rock you, I will let you fuss, I will pace the hall with you, I will let you scream until I cant stand it, I will sing to you, I will give you a pacifier and sometimes we will just stand in the living room, once again in the Moby and watch HGTV. You will finally go back to sleep at 4:30am. I will go back into my room only to look at the clock and be reminded that my day starts in 90 minutes.

I have read the blogs and skimmed the books on all that I am doing wrong. I have talked to the Dr. who says just keep trying and be consistent. Consistent with what? Letting you scream?

You have no pattern of waking for me to follow. You have no particular comfort that puts you back to sleep so there is no sleep prop to take away. Its always different and sometimes you do just fine on your own getting back to sleep. Supposedly you shouldn’t still be eating at night, but sometimes I believe you truly are hungry… I just have no way of knowing…

I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to help you sleep.

I thought I was super mom with your brother. He was sleep trained by 4 months old. He slept through the night and went right to sleep on his own every night at 7pm. I thought that this was some how because of me. I would look at other moms and judge them for struggling with getting their babies to sleep.

Then I had you.

I must confess to you my sweet baby, I struggle with being angry at you. Every time I hear you cry out in the night, everything in me just wants to yell “go back to sleep!” But I don’t. I can’t. It would be wrong because I am your mother.

Do you see the sign on your door? The one with all the pretty colors, shapes and cursive lettering? That is not there to decorate your door. It’s there for me. It’s there so when I walk into your room at 2:37 am, I pick you up gently and tell you I love you. It’s to remind me that you will not be a baby forever. You will not sleep in a crib forever. Soon you will be able to tell me whats wrong. Soon I will be able to tell you to stay in your bed and stop screaming. Soon you will not want me to snuggle you in the middle of the night. Soon you will sleep through the night on your own. Soon you will not remember all the sleepless nights I spent in the rocking chair holding you close and singing “It is well with my Soul”.

The sign on your door reminds me to love you (and your big brother) at all stages of your life no matter how hard they are for me. It is there to remind me that the next time I blink you will be gone. It is there to remind me that I want you to remember your mother as being loving and kind.

So… My dear sweet baby… I will hold you. I will hold you until you are ready to let go.

I hear you stirring and starting to fuss… I’m coming hugabug.

Love Mommy ❤




Dear SJWs, Silence does not Equal Hate (or violence, consent or whatever the signs say)

Guys… So much has happened. Last Saturday was awful, disgusting and inexcusable. Enough people have been talking, yelling and screaming about it to the point that I feel I don’t need to just repeat what the majority of the people in the country are saying.

I want to talk about something else. I want to talk about a false equivalency. I want to talk about a virtue signaling phrase that I have seen every where that is completely false and you don’t look cool or virtuous saying it. 

Apparently white silence (about whatever atrocity was committed that day) is equal to hatred. No. Just no. Hate was running around with tiki torches yelling “Jews will not replace us.” Hate was running around bashing people in the heads with bricks in the name of fighting Fascism. Hate ran a car into people and killed one. Hate has called for the genocide of white people. Hate believes in supremacy of one race. Hate disrupts peaceful free speech events with mace, bear spray, and clubs. Hate takes its place on opposing sides and screams until we think our country is ending.

My silence on your preferred social media platform is not hate.

My silence is confusion. My silence is anger. My silence is questioning. My silence is listening. My silence is me wondering how the heck I can make a difference. My silence is me recognizing that someone will still call me a Nazi and a racist  despite my listening, questioning, searching and having conversations with rational people. My silence is knowing that whatever I  say wont be enough for you unless I too become a warrior in the name of fighting whatever injustice you think we should protest today.

That isn’t hate.

I don’t have time to stand in the street and yell. I don’t have time to virtue signal on social media. I have kids to feed, bills to pay, laundry and a job.

(At this point some one reading this is screaming “You have white privilege!” Fine. Whatever. Every single person in this country is privileged because they live here. I will just say this and leave it. Don’t get into a “who is less privileged” fight with me. Most of you will lose.)

I will tell you what I do have time to do. I will tell you how I plan to make a difference.

I’m going to listen. I’m going to be kind. I’m going to love. I’m going to speak slowly and thoughtfully. I’m going to take you out for coffee and discuss big ideas and differences. I’m going to leave my echo chamber. I’m going to agree and empathize on injustices with you. I’m going to call you out on hypocrisies. I will never stop listening and I will never stop having important conversations.

And most importantly, I will teach my boys to do the same.

All that will be ever so much louder then your signs and social media posts.

Discussing life over a beer, with some one whom I have disagreements with, will make a much greater impact then you setting a trash can on fire.

(Here are some of the verses that I have been thinking about in writing this post)

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

James 1:19-20 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Proverbs 18:13 To answer before listening– that is folly and shame.

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

God bless and go love someone different then you. ❤

Dear Google, you can’t have it both ways

Guys, I love twitter. Every day after I look at cute baby pictures and status updates about how blessed someone was at a gas station, I say goodbye to facebook and go to twitter. On this social media platform I am greeted with “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE FROM SEXISM RACISM TRANSPHOBIA AND EVERY OTHER DIVERSITY PHOBIA” and “OMG EVERYTHING IS SO STUPID.”

Love it. :p

Ok so I will just get this out of the way now. Here is the ten page google manifesto that has blown up twitter. It is a quick read. You should definitely read it so you don’t develop an opinion based off what other are telling you about it. However I will give you a brief summary.

The letter was written by an employee to express his concerns about Googles diversity policies. He expressed how he did not think it was right that people were ushered into work for google to meet their diversity requirements instead of having a fair process for hire that applied to everyone. He expressed concerns that there were special support programs for basically all employees unless said employee was a white male. He also talked about how he is in favor of a diverse work environment specifically when it comes to men and women. He addressed some basic difference between men and women (all backed up with sources and graphs and charts) and offered suggestions as to how we can use these differences to include more women in scientific fields.

I’m an aircraft mechanic. I’m about as man as it gets. I work in an almost solely man dominated field. I also am I mom of 2 little boys.

I was not offended by anything this employee at google said. In fact I agreed with basically all of it.


I think my favorite is the NPR tweet. Seriously ladies? The guy didn’t even address the stereo type of women being overly emotional… you did it for him…BY CONFORMING TO THE STEREO TYPE. GAAAAHHHH Everything is stupid….

He didn’t say women were biologically unfit to work tech! He said women are different then men… Oh CNN… Oh Salon…

Ok actually I could rant about this for days but I won’t. I actually only have one point and its this. Diversity means different. (Really it means any person other then a white straight man but that’s another argument.) Wanting and celebrating diversity in the work place would mean celebrating differences between men and women in this particular situation. In order to celebrate diversity and in order for women to bring something special to a work environment THEY MUST BE DIFFERENT THEN MEN. If they are the same their is no diversity! Google cant yell “WOMEN ARE THE SAME AS MEN” out of one side of their mouth and “WE NEED GENDER DIVERSITY” out of the other. If they do that then they are insinuating that the only difference between men and women is reproductive organs. A difference and an assumptions they bulk against when it comes to the debate on Transgenders.

This is a logical inconsistency that needs to be addressed. Get it together Google. You can’t change arguments and “science” to fit your narrative. That’s called being a 2 year old. I know. I have one.

I heard the employee is suing you. As he should. I support him 100%. #expressyourunpopularopinion



An Open Letter to the Parents of Charlie Gard

Dear Chris and Connie,

I remember when I first read your story via a link on twitter. It has been maybe 2-3 months now. I remember the emotions that welled up inside my own heart as I read about your precious baby and his battle. I remember looking at my own boys. I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. I saw my babies in the picture of your son. I cried. I cried so hard. From that moment my heart, my thoughts and prayers have been with you and your sweet little boy.

The phrase “I’m sorry” seems such a shallow thing to say to you both in this time of immense heart ache and pain. I could add a couple hundred “so”s in between  the “I’m” and the “sorry”. But somehow I feel that would make the phrase even less meaningful. So I will have to stick with I’m sorry.

I’m sorry your little boy was the 1 in a million to be diagnosed with this illness.

I’m sorry that for whatever the reason, the Dr’s in London were not able to treat him.

I’m sorry you had to watch your little boys health decline.

I’m sorry the courts and hospital would not let you leave even though you had raised your own funds to save your baby boy.

I’m sorry that it took the US congress so long to make you a US resident so we could have some power to bring you to New York.

I’m sorry that so much time was wasted in court proceedings and bureaucratic nonsense that your precious angel slipped into a state of hopelessness where there was no return.

I’m sorry that it doesn’t look like you will even be able to take your baby home with you to let him go in peace. But that he will be stuck in the hospital that held him a captive while there was hope.

But let me tell you… What I am the most sorry about… I am so sorry and so angry that your rights as the parents to your child were stripped from you by a bunch of damn suit and tie government bureaucrats that most likely went home to no kids or healthy kids every night. People biologically and emotionally removed from your child got to make the choice about the most important thing about him. His life.

As Charlie’s parents you had every right to do everything within your power to save his life. I would have done exactly what you did. And I would have fought like hell. Exactly like you did. I know that because of your story being known all over the world at this point lots of people will have their own opinions about what you should or should not have done. ANYONE who would side against your decisions for your baby is not worthy of second of your thoughts. Connie, no one criticizing your choices for your baby carried him for 9 months in their body or pushed him out during hard labor. Anyone that doesn’t 100% support you both in your choices  for your son and in the grief you are/ will be going through is not worthy of your time.

And for every jerk out there on social media that thinks they know how you should have lived your life, there are thousands that stand with you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare to send your baby to the angels. He will be safe. He will be free. He will be in no more pain. He will be able to see and hear. He will run and jump. He will be watching over you from above. He will spend all eternity with Jesus and the angels. And he will know that his parents fought for his life until the end. He will love you forever.

I hope and pray you will continue in fighting for the rights of parents to love, protect and do whats best for their children. I know you are not the only parents that this kind of tragedy has happened to. The all knowing government courts and officials put you through hell on earth. So you give em hell right back. Charlies Army is behind you.

From one parent to another, with love, sympathy and a really big hug,

Kate ❤

Open Mom Diary #1

I went to the grocery store with my youngest son. It was such a peaceful experience. I arrived at the store and put my sweet baby boy in his carrier. I got a shopping cart with a cup holder and proceeded directly to the Starbucks strategically located at the entrance to the store. I walked through the store sipping on my favorite drink and picking out food for my little family. I was silent except for the periodic whispered “I love you” to my baby followed by a kiss on his head.

I did not have to explain to a 30 lb toddler to put his feet in holes for his legs in the grocery cart while holding him in the air. I didn’t have to talk about all the vegetables we walked past. I didn’t have to explain that you can only have 1 free cookie or no free cookie if a sweet had already been had. I didn’t have to rush to keep jelly jars on the shelf as Godzilla toddler thrust his arms out as the shopping cart went down the aisle. I didn’t have to tell him to sit down in the cart. I didn’t have to tell him to stop grabbing the candy in the check out line and I didn’t have to say “No you cant hold the eggs.”

It was glorious. But I felt guilty…

I did not feel guilty for reveling in the break from my toddler. I felt guilty for not talking to my baby. I felt guilty for the silence.

Before my first son was born I read an article somewhere on the interwebs about a study that had been performed on babies through their toddler years when it came to adult verbal interactions. I can’t for the life of me remember where I found this article. I took from it that verbal communication is absolutely necessary for your childs development(duh. I don’t know why I needed to read this online) and that there are parents out there that do not talk to their kids which messes them up for life. I determined that I would fill my childs ears with the sound of my voice constantly and he would be an excellent communicator by the age of 2.  I did. And he is.

I talked to my son ALL DAY LONG. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I explained everything we did and everywhere we went. I sang or talked to him continually even if there was really nothing to say or talk about. He now talks. CONSTANTLY. This probably has more to do with him being a toddler but because of my neurotic ideas about not wanting him to be intellectually deficient, I missed out on the silent moments.

So here I am. Baby #2 and I feel like I am short changing him on my time and attention. I talk so much to my older child because he is always talking that when I’m alone with my youngest the last thing I want is words to break the silence.

There is not much of a conclusion to these thoughts. More of wondering musings of how to parent two instead of one. Now that we have hit the 6th month its easier to interact simply because he is more attentive. I include him in the conversations about Thomas the train, towers, bulldozers and cookies. But I also don’t want to feel guilty about enjoying my quiet times with him. The silence will only become more scarce in my house. I didn’t cherish it with my first. I wan to cherish it with my second. I want him to know I don’t love him less because I’m quiet.

I am going to have to accept that I will not have the same kind of time with my youngest that I did with my oldest.  So from now I want to intentionally get my alone time with him. So I can talk to him or just be silent.

One thing is for sure I can’t spend my periodic moments with him feeling guilty. That is a waste of my precious time with him.




I am not the Compassion Police

Ok Ladies and Gentlemen. I have done the work for you. We will refute the top health care myths (along with a stupid meme) that are circulating the facebook, twitter and news networks. We will do this using… (Get ready for it…) !!! H.R.1628!!! Don’t know what that is? Its the healthcare bill.

First of all I would just like to say that these people up there on the hill wearing their expensive suits, driving expensive cars and drinking expensive coffee were elected for us and buy us. I should not have to wade through lawyer jargon to figure out what you are doing with my money and my freedom. I’m a relatively intelligent person. I troubleshoot aircraft electrical systems people. But for the love of God release these bills that affect me in normal person speak. please. If you did that there probably would not be a need for this ranting post.

Here is the meme that has sparked my rant. I like to follow and listen to all kinds of people with whom I disagree (#Idontneedasafespace). It makes life more interesting and its way easier to have a civil discussion when you actually know the other persons argument. I don’t usually argue or engage much on social media posts. I just take in the information. But every once in a while an argument is so stupid that my brain cant take it and I have to call it out for what it is. BullSh*t.


I picked this meme apart in a comment on FaceBook but I think this meme encompasses the top myths being pushed to combat the new healthcare bill. I will address the whole stupid gospel and christian comparison later but for now we will focus on the whole poor and sick thing.


Myth #1 Preexisting conditions won’t be covered.

This is just a flat out lie and flies directly in the face of what Amendment #33 says. Allow me to quote the summary for you. “Health insurers would not be allowed to [deny coverage,] discriminate based on gender or [limit access based on] preexisting conditions.” There. Any questions? If you would still like to argue that point you may click on my link for Amendment#33 and then click the pdf of the 8 pages it took to say exactly what I quoted from the summary. Good luck.

Myth #2 Medicaid is getting cut.

Not exactly. Medicaid EXPANSIONS are getting cut. This is kinda hard to break down but Im going to do my best so hang with me. As it is right now able bodied working adults under the age of 65 can get medicaid if they make between 133% -400% of the poverty line. That means you could have a fully functioning, single 25 year old man making 40k a year on medicaid. That’s going away now.

As it is right now, medicaid has to provide coverage for children at 133% of the poverty line or below. Most states provide medicaid for children up to 400% of the poverty line but the requirement was 133%. That is changing to 100%. Medicaid must cover anyone under this threshold. States can still choose to cover higher.

“Essential benefits”(include ambulatory patient services, emergency services, hospitalization, maternity and newborn care, mental health and substance use disorder services, prescription drugs, rehabilitative services, laboratory services, preventative and wellness services, and pediatric services) are being eliminated as a requirement for all medicaid and private insurance. This is happening in a form of a waiver system which they will only be granted if they can prove the “waiver will reduce average premiums for patients, increase enrollment for residents, stabilize the state’s health insurance market, stabilize premiums for individuals living with preexisting conditions, or increase patients’ health care plan options.”  What this means is that if your state goes through with this waiver you don’t have to be covered for things you don’t need. Like I don’t need coverage for substance use disorder and my husband doesn’t need maternity coverage. Neither private insurance or medicaid has to cover that if they can prove that by not covering it they have made the market better as a whole.

Medicaid will also have spending caps. That means instead of having constant cash flow the program will be given its lump sum for the year and be told to chose wisely.

You can click here and here to read the actual bill amendments and summary where I am getting all this info from. Please don’t just take my word for it. We NEED an educated populace.

Myth #3 People will die!

This is just ridiculous. Sanders says “When you throw 23 million off of health insurance, people with cancer, people with health care, people with diabetes, thousands of people will die..” These numbers are from the Congressional Budget Offices analysis of the bill. They are wrong. They are off by about 13 million. About 10 million is the actual number 7 million of which would not lose coverage. They would drop their expensive plans because of the mandate being gone. That leaves 3 million losing coverage through medicaid. Not poor sick woman and children. People who don’t need it. Like the family of 4 making 100k a year. Its asinine to make the jump from “people above the poverty line won’t have medicaid” to “people will die”.

I want to spend just a little more time here. Lets say your a diabetic that is at 200% of the poverty level (for a family of 4 that’s about 40k a year.) You lose coverage through medicaid. Because preexisting conditions must be covered you will be able to find coverage through the market place if you can not get it through work. The bill has allocated about 15 billion dollars  for you to be able to have an affordable premiums and coverage. And there are still subsidies in place for sick, poor and old people. What does this mean? You probably are not going to die. Even if nothing works for you and your not insured from that 15 billion dollars being injected into the market place you have a safety net. Emergency rooms cant deny treatment. So if you are in a life or death situation with your diabetes you can go to the emergency room. Yes that will be a big bill but hospitals have financial assistance!!! In the state of Iowa, if you are below 400% of the poverty line you qualify for financial assistance and significantly reduced costs. And if your below 200% you can get out your bill completely. No citation here because this is personal experience and a conversation and the financial aid coordinator at the hospital where I delivered my son.

So your not going to die. These are scare tactics.

Myth #4 Planned Parenthood will be defunded!

Yea… for a year. That’s it.

Myth #5 Anyone who doesn’t like obamacare hates poor and sick people.

I want to spend sometime here as well. We will bring the meme back in from earlier. This whole idea is generally aimed at republicans for making the changes to the health care bill. The purpose of these changes are to cut spending and some of the regulations. The whole point is to try to make things more affordable. Republicans (in general) believe they can make things more affordable for everyone by cutting regulations and taxes. Democrats (in general) believe they can make things more affordable for the marginalized by taxing people with more money. Their favorite phrase is the top 1% (that is anyone who makes about 200k a year or more.) Democrats like to say that we must care about our fellow humans and a way to do that is redistributing wealth to those less fortunate. If anyone opposes this they hate poor and sick people. Just because someone opposes government mandated theft (which is what wealth redistribution is) does not mean they hate sick and poor people. This is just asinine. Both parties want people to have affordable health care. That’s why they stuck their hands into the bowl to begin with.  They have 2 different ideologies to achieve that goal. Both could work. Demonizing the other party that you don’t agree with accomplishes nothing.

Now the whole gospel and claiming Christianity thing… *sigh* I love the fact that the bible is used to virtue signal constantly and chances are people sharing their bible meme for political reasons have not opened their dusty NKJV bible in decades.

Yes! Christians are supposed to love the poor, sick and marginalized. Yes Christians are supposed to be kind, compassionate and generous with our money! Yes Christians are supposed to show Christs love to all! This is all over the New Testament and Old. NOWHERE does it say that Christians are supposed to force others to behave in a kind compassionate and loving way! NOWHERE does it say that we are supposed to purposely take money from others and give it away in the name of compassion! I am a Christian. I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I am in charge of my compassion, kindness and love. I am not in charge of forcing the guy down the street with the 2017 Audi to give more to charity or buy groceries for a single mom with 2 kids. I SHOULD DO THOSE THING IF I AM ABLE! Christians are not the compassion and kindness police. Therefore, to use this argument of kindness, gospel and Jesus to support theft (which is preached against in both testaments of scripture) is a complete misuse of Gods word. So just stop it.

My personal opinion is this health care bill is crap. I want government out of my health care completely. That’s not their job. But apparently alot of people want their congress person to dictate their health care so I guess that’s here to stay unfortunately.

Ok I’m done. Sorry for possibly destroying a narrative… Sorry for not agreeing with your Jesus argument… Please just please… think for your self. Read the information for your self before you jump on the meme bandwagon. Work together with people of different opinions. Question everything.


So Where is my Parenting Manual?

Today my son had a tantrum. You know like every toddler and like everyday. This is the following conversation that took place with my self and with my son simultaneously:

“Caspian you don’t need to have a tantrum about this” *I guess I should count him instead of reasoning with him. Its not like he is going to say “Oh golly mom your right!”*

“Caspian I’m sorry your disappointed” *I want to have empathy for him*

“One.” *He is yelling louder. Should I just take him straight to time out?*

“Do you want to go to your room?” *Like he is going to say yes you idiot…Should I do a time in? Isn’t that where I just hug him and tell him I love him when he is naughty? Ok he is just yelling louder and stomping.*

“Two” * In the 123 magic book it says to not reason with them. Maybe I have not given enough choices today. Love and logic says give choices… and reason?*

(Toddler picks up toy to throw at 5 mos old)

“Don’t even think about it!” *Should I spank him if he hits? It doesn’t make sense to hit him for hitting someone else*

(Toddler throws toy at 5 mos old)

“THREE!!!” *There is no way on earth he should have a time in for hitting his brother*

(Picks toddler up and puts in room for time out.)

All the while still second guessing my self about my discipline methods. This happens in my house EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

The reason I decided to share this story is because of a video I watched a few days ago from prageru. Here it is for some context.



I read the comments. Always a mistake. The guy in this video is a child physiologist and an author. Everything in this video is  EXACTLY how my mom raised me. She did a pretty good job. I am not emotionally scarred and I am a functioning, contributing human in society. Yet the comment section was filled with people basically saying that this guy did not know what he was talking about. If the professional (according to the people in the comments) doesn’t know anything about kids and discipline how can these people be so confident in their chosen methods… and more importantly… WHAT THE ACTUAL H E *DOUBLE HOCKEY STICK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

But for real this is a serious question that I wrestle with everyday. I have read 3 different parenting books, watch these kind of videos that come up on my social media feeds and read the comments. Everyone claims there method works  and that it is best. Some times I find myself going through several different techniques a day. But that is bad because its not consistent (or so I have heard). It literally doesn’t matter how many time outs, promised rewards, toys taken away or scoldings he gets. Sometimes he does the same naughty thing 12 million times in 37 seconds.

Its not like I hadn’t picked a parenting method before I had kids. I was not planning on winging discipline. I was the perfect parent before I had kids…

To be honest, I like what this professional had to say in this video. I don’t know if it was because it seemed easier to me then what I am currently doing or if it seemed familiar because its how my mom raised me. So I did what most 27 year old moms do. I called my mom (I swear my mom is like the smartest person in the universe). I told her my woes and struggles. And like most moms she had sound and wise advice. She told me that the “professionals sort of know your kid, the people in the comments know nothing about your kid and you are the professional when it comes to your kid. There are different methods. Some work well, some work for some kids and some are just stupid. Only you know what will work for your kid and its ok to spend some time figuring it out.”

I will say this. I know for sure that my attitude and demeanor affects my sons behavior. When I am cheerful, calm, patient,kind and engaging with him we are much more likely to have a successful day. If I am short, irritated and focused on what I want to do… oh boy… its world war 3 in my house until I check my attitude. And cookies. Cookies make everything better always.

I guess I have no real profound conclusion to this post. More of an open diary on the struggles of a mom with young kids. I hope it encourage someone else who is wondering where the heck is the manual on parenting. Your not alone. 🙂

Get a drink (coffee, wine, chocolate milk whatever) put your feet up and know that you are are the professional with your kid.